Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I enjoy the company of your penis
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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