Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
