Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
