Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
