OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
