All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
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