she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
