U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
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