my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
