Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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