happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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