I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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