I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
