All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
