shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
he just fucked me for my cheese..
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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