That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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