Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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