I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
