Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
she looked like the before picture.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
