I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
