We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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