I accidentally had phone sex last night
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
