i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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