Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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