The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
