3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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