shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
