just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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