Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
