Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
