She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
