If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
