and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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