new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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