gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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