I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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