She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
