did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Randomize
