I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
