I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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