okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
