Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
