i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
