Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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