I cannot find my penis.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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