JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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