Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
