I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I take back everything I said about communal showers
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
