I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
