I'm eating all of the evidence.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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